As time goes on, I'm becoming more and more concerned that I don't have what it takes to hack it in graduate school. In every community, every blog, every forum that I read, people always talk about how stressful and all-consuming grad school is. To be perfectly honest, my mental health isn't exactly the best it's ever been. I just worry that I won't be able to handle the mental and physical stress.
I suppose the big problem is that I've never fully recovered from the crisis I went through a couple of years ago. In the summer of 2006 I had just finished my junior year of undergrad and had broken off a long-term relationship with my ex-girlfriend. I was probably at my most unstable then because I was confounded with self-worth and identity issues. I didn't know what my sexuality was, nothing seemed to be working, and I had a hard time staying focused on anything. My relationships with women were all emotionally fulfilling but sexually lacking, my relationships with men were the exact opposite, and I felt like I was never going to find what I wanted. This fixation on my sexuality and relationships caused my self-worth to drop significantly, because I thought there was something wrong with me that made normal human relationships impossible. This drop in self-worth bled over into other aspects of my life, causing what was probably a full-blown depression. Because I was depressed, I couldn't focus on school without having a panic attack. I dropped to half-time, taking only one or two classes per quarter. I seemed to do okay with a half-time schedule. My grades weren't fantastic but at least I wasn't having panic attacks all the time.
Fast forward to now. Two years of taking half-time schedules later, I'm finally finished with my undergrad degree. It only took me one extra year, and that's fine. That's okay. The problem is that I'm still not mentally capable of a full-time schedule. I thought taking on this internship would help me, and I suppose it has. I still am not there nearly as often as I feel like I should be, but I definitely spend more time in the lab on a weekly basis than I EVER spent in class or working on school work. The thing about it is, though, that my lab work is incredibly flexible. I don't have any set schedules, just an idea of what I need to do and a rough timeframe of when it needs to be done. I'm worried that if I'm given a more rigid, fixed schedule, the panic attacks will come back full-force. For some reason the thought of having to wake up and be somewhere at an exact time five days a week for 4-6 years (much less the rest of my life, which doesn't bode well for my employability) is absolutely terrifying and crippling to me. I just don't think I have it in me. And I don't know how to FIX that.
The not knowing how to fix it is what really scares me. If I knew how to get healthy, I'd just use the year I have between now and when I'd be starting grad school to see a therapist or whatever else I thought I'd need to do. But I really just don't know what to do. I have no idea, no plan, no inkling of what would 'fix' me.
I suppose there's always the option of just not going to graduate school, but that really throws a wrench in my career plans. I don't even know what kind of jobs a person can get with a bachelor's in zoology. And anyway, I don't want to let my fear determine what I do with my life. I just wish I knew how to begin to get over it.
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6 comments:
Keep in mind that all the horror stories you read on blogs are from people who are doing biomedical stuff at top schools. That is, what, 2% of all scientists? There is life outside that dog-eat-dog world at the top, where there is no "CNS disease", the competition is there but not as harsh, and people tend to be nicer and more generous.
Thanks, Coturnix. :) I'm feeling a lot better now. Right after I posted this I went to look at kitchen appliances at Bed Bath & Beyond, which always seems to calm me down. I'm still concerned about it, but not to the same freakout levels as I was this afternoon.
Most of the grad students I know have pretty flexible schedules. Some them do a lot of work from home. I try to keep a fairly regular 9-5 schedule because I feel like it helps me stay focused, but lots of people work with an irregular schedule for a variety of reasons.
The way you describe your depression and school-induced panic attacks sounds like me in high school. I can totally relate. I've come a long way to overcoming my perfectionism and gaining confidence in myself.
Also, you read my blog, right? My grad school experience isn't all-consuming. I don't let it be. I try to stay on top of my stuff (not going that well this summer I must admit), but I also let myself have a lot of down time watching movies with Jon, playing board games, hanging out with friends, blogging, and doting on my plants.
Going to grad school is a big decision though. Most importantly, you need to be honest with yourself about what you want out of the experience and if you're prepared for it. Maybe I'll do a post soon compiling some of the things I read before deciding to go for it.
Your blog is one of the rare exceptions, which probably has a lot to do with why I enjoy reading it so much. It's nice to read about someone who is enjoying the experience and doesn't seem super-stressed all the time.
I imagine a lot of it may also be field-specific, as Coturnix mentioned. Most people in my department are pretty chill, which gives me hope. I just don't want to let anyone down, and especially not myself.
Scheduling is field-specific, department-specific, lab-specific, and project-specific. It's another one of those "it depends". I know bioinformiticists who work lots of hours but half of them are at home, ecologists who work 100hr weeks for a month (sampling) and then 35hrs the rest of the year, and everything in between. You usually get a certain amount of flexibility as long as you are on top of things. For example, I'm a night person in a demanding field, so I usually work 10am-10pm, but some days I take a longer lunch or go to the gym or for a walk if I'm doing experiments with long down time.
I just found some of your posts from Adoptic and feel compelled to comment on this one. :)
I never work more than 50 hours a week and usually it's 40. I work an 8-4 schedule becuase thats what I like, works well for my project and my labmates, and works with my carpool. From reading all the blogs written by biomed people, I've started to think that the hours you need to work are related to the competitiveness of your field, i.e., your risk of being scooped.
As for your anxiety about working bank hours, why don't you try it for a week now while there is no pressure to do so? You'd be doing it because you decided to, not because someone is forcing you to with the threat of firing you. Sorry to be a stranger giving unsolicite advice!
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